i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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