I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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