Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
