fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
