I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
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The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
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I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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