i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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