We're facebook friends in real life
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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