so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
