i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
