it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
