I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
