So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize