Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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