Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
