I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
