I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
