My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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