Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
