shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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