I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
