party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
