oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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