My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
