last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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