You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
