I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just blew my weed a kiss
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Randomize
