Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
