Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
