Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
