I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
