stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I can't put those talents on a resume
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
