I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
