Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
