Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
