Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My vagina just clenched in fear
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
