And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize
