I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
