A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I want to be your penis for a week.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
