you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
