the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
