Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
found the other keg... it's in the tree
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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