I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
pop tarts are not kleenex
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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