it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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