He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
What a dumb baby whore.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
