it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
