Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
