Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
