Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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