GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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