omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
she pinky promised me she was 18
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My liver just had a heart attack.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
