my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
