are you still at the devil's house?
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
