Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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