Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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