I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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