Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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