He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
