NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
