He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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